Today I took the time to sit with my sadness.  Realising that was I drowning, being consumed, held back, stuck within the density of my sadness.  As I bore witness to my sadness and lifted the veil on what was lying underneath.  I uncovered anger, a thick layer of anger that I was suppressing, ignoring, not allowing myself to feel.  The anger that I told myself that I couldn’t feel, an unconscious restriction on expression, on feeling, of allowing, of acknowledgment.  The anger had become part of me, I was carrying it and it was weighing me down.  The sadness was my inability to witness this part of myself, to allow myself to feel and release the things that I was angry for.

I was resistant to feeling the anger as I didn’t want to share it with the world, in the sense of having anyone bear the brunt of the anger that was raging inside to be seen.  I don’t like the idea of raging, I am more for softness, gentleness, kindness and heartfelt ways.  However, this was not serving me, it had given my anger power over me in another sense.  In the sense that it had caused me to feel stuck within my emotions, consumed and a sense of drowning in the depths of sadness for the anger stuck inside.

So how could I release this anger, feel it, transmute it out of my body, my soul, my space?  In a way that resonated and allowed me to stay within my values, in a way that I would be ok and happy with that served me.  I had to realise that I could bring the anger into the light without it impacting others.  As well as release the idea that I shouldn’t feel anger, that I shouldn’t be angry, couldn’t be angry.  Realise that I can feel the anger, express it without negatively impacting others, not negatively impacting myself, if anything benefiting myself and others as I released this weight I was carrying, that was dragging me down and dimming my light.

I took pen to paper.  I wrote down all the things that I was holding onto anger about.  The people, the situations, the circumstances, the moments that happened.  I allowed my inner child to have her temper tantrum, to express her anger in those moments, to be free to express her anger.  I allowed myself as the adult to feel the anger of moments in time that anger hadn’t been expressed previously.  I let the frustration be felt, the anger, the disappointment.

This process didn’t come without some radical self-accountability.  Some acknowledgement of the role that I had played in some of these scenarios.  Self-awareness to what needed to change, to what I had to do differently, to how I could change things going forward.  I invited in forgiveness, for myself and for others, if I am being honest a lot more forgiveness to myself than to others.  I haven’t always had my back in the way that I should.  I was a people pleaser with limited boundaries, oh how things have changed.

I allowed the emotions to be felt, released, expressed.  I cried, I stepped back into those moments in my minds eye, expressed what needed to be expressed, said what needed to be said and allowed the anger to be shared and released.

All in all I acknowledged my anger, I sat witness to it and I allowed it to be expressed within the safety of my safe space.  It did no harm to others, it did no harm to me.  I am not going to lie afterwards I was exhausted, my body was tired, emotionally I was drained.  My physical body needed to rest to recover from the process of release, of sitting with my shadows and bringing them into the light.

Why am I sharing this?  To grant you permission to feel your anger, to explore your sadness and offer a way of doing this in a way that heals.  Yes, you might have to face some truths but that allows for growth, expansion and a better way forward for you.

So, my wish for you, take the time to explore your anger, honour and release it, to allow yourself to be free and feel lighter. 

The Process

• Set aside some time where you will be uninterrupted.
• Settling into a safe space.
• Take a sheet of paper (you might need 2, I filled in a page and a half) and write down all the things that you are anger about.  Let it flow without judgement or second guessing, it pops into your mind write it down.  Side note: I recommend writing as opposed to typing a list due to the way the brain works, from a processing viewpoint when you write you focus on the words and when you type you focus on the letters.  By writing out your list you are connecting more with what you are writing as you are focusing on the words and not the letters.
• Once you have run out of things to write down go back to the start of your list and start reading each point (situation/circumstance), as you read each point allow yourself to feel the emotion and release it (there will probably be tears and that is ok).
• If some of these memories are from childhood connect with your inner child and allow her to feel as well, acknowledge her feelings.
• Work your way through the list.
• When you come to the end or you can do this after each point, forgive yourself, show yourself love and kindness, apologise if you feel called.
• Once you have finished the list, I encourage you to burn the list so no-one can find it and it is another release.  (For those that know me, you know I love fire as a release tool).  You can also tear up the paper.
• Final step – be kind and gentle with yourself, drink water, gentle movement, take a nap, rest.  Take care of you.

If you are unsure of what steps to take, need space to be held, I am here to support you reach out to book an appointment or find out more.